


It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

by rwdaf



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, death mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 00:23:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11955819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rwdaf/pseuds/rwdaf
Summary: Phil is having a hard time saying goodbye to Dan.





	It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

 

It’s been one week. A week of agony and pain that just _doesn’t_ seem to leave.  An ache that is buried deep inside of him, never letting him escape. It hasn’t stopped raining since. The sky is weeping along with him. Standing in the rain, seemed to become a familiar thing for him. His clothes sticking to his skin became a familiar annoyance.

Phil wiped the tears from his eyes, as he stared down at the freshly dug patch of dirt that haunts him. Or maybe it’s the stone at the top that bothers him. _‘Daniel James Howell – June 11, 1991 – October 10, 2017’._  It bothers him so much. He hardly got to experience life and it was ripped away from him. A lifetime of surprises and accomplishments, gone.  Now Phil was here. Alone and afraid. He didn’t know if he would ever be able to get over him.

“You didn’t even say goodbye Dan.” Phil mumbled pitifully.

His heart physically hurt him. Everything did. There was no happiness. Just this melancholy drift that had him entangled in its grasp, never letting him escape it seemed.

There’s a small box hidden inside his pocket. It’s velvet and soft. Inside held a black ring embedded with diamonds. One that Phil was going to use to ask Dan to marry him with. He wanted forever with Dan, although Dan would say their forever started long ago. Now? Forever has just gone away.

_Dan held Phil tightly in his grasp, swaying them back and forth. Dan knew that Phil had doubts about everything really. Himself, his family, whether he would have a successful career or not. The one thing he doubted the most though was him and Dan. It terrified him to no end. What would happen if Dan would meet someone better than him and leave him? Worse, in Phil’s mind, what if Dan realizes one day he doesn’t love him? That he never did._

_“Phil I promise I’m never leaving you.”_

_“You can’t promise things that you don’t know if you can ever keep.”_

_Dan sighed, running his fingers through Phil’s silky hair. “Tell me what you want with us and I swear I’ll do my damned best to make it happen.”_

_“I want forever – “Phil’s eyes started watering. “But you can’t promise that. I don’t want to be a burden on you Dan, but I know I will be.”_

_“Phil, my love. My life. My everything. You will never ever be a burden on me. If you have any burdens that you’re carrying I’ll be there and carry them for you okay?”_

_Looking up at Dan with blurry vision, Phil smiled at him. Leaning down Dan gently kissed Phil on the forehead, pulling him close again. “As for forever,” Dan whispered as if it was a grave secret no one could ever know about, “I need your hand first. Then forever can begin.”_

“You left, and now my world’s so cold Dan,” Phil sobbed, dropping to his knees covering his mouth. “It’s so hard to move on Dan. It’s like yesterday you were here smiling and laughing. Now you’re not.”

Lying flat on the ground, curling up into a ball as mud tracked onto his clothes, he continued sobbing his heart out. He was alone now in the world they created together.

“How do I say goodbye Dan? Especially to everything we’ve had?”

Deep inside Phil knew he couldn’t. He knew that he couldn’t move on, but merely learn to live with the fact that he was never coming back. Dan was such a part of him it’s like he’s physically missing half of him, which he is.

“I just, if what we’ve been through and where we had gotten can I guess help me make it through then the pain of losing you is worth it. If not, then I guess this is just another heartbreak but this one is gonna last me a lifetime.”

Laying there, Phil thought. he thought about all the times that him and Dan had fought over the years. All the times that they had told each other that they hated the other. The nights they spent crying, holding each other to assure that they didn’t mean it. Mostly he thought about the laughs and smiles they shared. The way Dan laughed until he couldn’t breathe when Phil did something hilarious to him. The way Dan would look at him with the utmost love and affection when he did something that made them both so proud.

“The memories, the good ones, always seem to be the sunshine after the rain my love.” Phil spoke softly like Dan was there to listen to him, after catching himself smile thinking about the good times. “They’ll be my sunshine after the rain. They outweigh the bad it seems.”

The clouds sifted, the sun crashing through shining down onto Phil. The warmth spread across him as he continued to lie there. Lifting his head, he noticed the sun wasn’t shining anywhere except for on him.

“I love you to my love. My life. My everything.” Phil muttered softly, as if the sun was Dan’s way of telling him he loved him one last time.


End file.
